cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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