I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
