she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
