I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
