this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
