Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
