this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
