last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
