my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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