I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
