I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
