I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
