I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
People in love make me want to vomit
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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