I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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