He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
