Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
