and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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