Heybabeimwearingurpanties
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
