if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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