So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
