Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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