I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
