dude i'm inner monologue high
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
