you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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