I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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