Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
