Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
