I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
