I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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