Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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