two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
