Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
