Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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