It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
this boner is exhausting
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
