I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Your cock deserves a montage
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
