she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
