you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
