I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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