i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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