I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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