Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
