I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
