HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
