i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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