true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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