At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
