PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
