i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
