then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
