And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
