My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
